


If He Only Knew

by Rawrlove19



Category: Janoskians
Genre: Bullying, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorder, Gen, Guilt, Promise, Regret, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, jai is a mess, luke bullies Jai, video diaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-07 21:37:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10369986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawrlove19/pseuds/Rawrlove19
Summary: Luke had basically bullied Jai their entire lives. One day, Luke stumbles upon Jai's Video Diaries and his whole world comes crashing down. It's up to him to become a better brother and an even better friend by December 2nd or he can say goodbye to his younger twin forever.*content could trigger*





	1. Luke Finds Out

"Luke, please! Just cut it out already!" Jai begged. I had him tied to a chair and was currently throwing all sorts of things at his face. Mustard. Expired milk. Tomato sauce. It was kind of pathetic to watch my younger twin beg me to leave him alone, but it's always been this way. I've always bullied him and he's always taken it. Jai was extremely shy and could never stand up for himself even though he could probably beat me up. He's just way too nice.

"Now, why would I do that? It's TwinTalkTime, Jye!" I teased. I had convinced him to let me tie him to a chair for a video, but it was all an act. I was just bored, so I decided to entertain myself. I hadn't even pressed record on the camera. There's no way I would ever let any of our fans know that I wasn't sweet and innocent like they thought. Then of course, my mother and older brother have no idea I pick on him like this, either.

"I'm done, Luke. I know this isn't TwinTalkTime. Please. Let me go already." He tried again. I was growing tired of the same begging, so I decided to take pity on him. I quickly reached over and untied him. 

"Go wash up." I ordered, not wanting to clean up anymore than I already had to. He immediately scurried away before I could even blink.

I shook my head. I honestly don't understand why he puts up with me. I wouldn't if I was him. 

I got bored again, so I decided to snoop through Jai's room while he was probably crying in the shower. It's kind of sad really. I bully him so much, but the only time he ever cries is in the shower.

I throw myself on his bed, only to feel something hard under my back. That's weird. I smirk to myself when I realize Jai has to be hiding something. I throw his sheets back only to find his laptop.

"This will be good." I murmur to myself. I snatched his laptop and ran to my room with it. "What could Jai-Jai be up to?"

I opened his laptop and click on a folder that says 'video diaries'. That makes me chuckle, but I can't help but wonder what kind of prissy little thoughts my twin records in his video diaries. I decided to open the latest one. Let's just say I was not prepared.

"Hey Video Diary. It's Jai." He started out, and I had to laugh on how pathetic my twin was. "Well, I guess I'll just say it's been a really rough week so far. I honestly hate Luke. I don't know what I ever did to him, but yeah. He went too far again." That part surprised me. I figured he probably hated me with the way I treat him, but I wouldn't say I ever go too far. I guess Jai just needs to man up. "I'm not going to elaborate, but let's just get to the main point. I did it again. I know I promised myself last time would be the last time, but if I'm going to ever hold on until December 2nd then I need to. Luke just goes way too far sometimes." December 2nd? I was confused. What was happening on December 2nd? And what did he do again that he wasn't supposed to? I swear he's so weird. "I guess since I can't tell anyone, I might as well tell you, Video Diary. I cut again. See look at my arm." Jai lifted up his right sleeve and I was surprised to see countless red lines littering his arms. This was news to me. I never knew that my brother cut himself, and I felt slightly guilty about how hard I've been on him lately, but I brushed it off. He'll be fine. "I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop myself. It was either this or kill myself before December 2nd. I don't even know why I made a suicide date that far away. Maybe I was being too hopeful, because I know that things are never going to get better. Anyways, I can't wait for December 2nd to get here, so I can finally kill myself and get it over with. I'm sick of living like this. I honestly just want to die now, but I already made that stupid diary video promising myself I would wait and see if anything changed. Anyways, thanks for listening to my whining, Video Diary. Bye for now, Jai."

The video had ended, but I couldn't move. Jai was planning to kill himself on December 2nd. That's six months from today. I know I had to do something. I know I've never been exactly loving towards him but even if it was only by two minutes, Jai was still my baby brother. I feel really bad knowing that I caused part of this. I was going to be a better brother starting today. I was going to fix this, somehow. I just didn't know how that was going to happen yet.

I quickly returned Jai's laptop to his bed, making sure to leave it the way I found it. I didn't want him to think I was being cruel to him again. That's actually the last thing I wanted. As I was leaving Jai's room, I accidentally walked straight into him.

"Luke?" Jai glanced nervously over to where his laptop was hidden on his bed. "What are you doing in my room?"

"Waiting for you, of course." I smiled at him. He gave me a grossed out look and I had an urge to punch him. That's the last thing he needed.

"Um. Okay. W-what do you want." Jai stuttered nervously. Great. I had already scared him. Just my luck.

"We need to film a real TwinTalkTime video. I'm not even joking this time." I said honestly. He looked down indecisively before looking back up at me.

"Ok. Just let me get dressed first."


	2. Chapter 2

I knew I was going to have to make several changes. First of all, I had to start being nicer to Jai. I knew I couldn't go all out at first with the niceness. It would only cause Jai to think that I was messing with him. This is going to be hard to do, but I think I can do it. 

The thought that I drove him to this point scares me. My twin is suicidal and in desperate need of help. Growing up, I only ever mistreated him. I regret that now. I hope it's not too late. I'll never forgive myself if it is. 

I glanced over at the couch Jai was sleeping on. He looked so peaceful sleeping there. I hated knowing how much pain he was holding inside. No one should have to feel that way. 

"No." His face suddenly scrunched up as he started mumbling in his sleep. I realized he was having a nightmare. I slowly stood up and leaned on the floor next to his sleeping body. I ran my hand through his hair, hoping it would calm himself down. Instead of calming him, he started to thrash around as his mumbling became louder.

"Jai." I whispered lightly. "Come on, Jai. Wake up." I gently shook his shoulder to try to wake him up from his nightmare. He woke up with a harsh gasp and threw himself at me in a hug. I was surprised that he was actually clinging to me since he basically hated me, not that I could blame him.

"Luke?" He questioned, like he only just realized where he was. I smiled lightly at him and stroked his back. I was probably over-doing the niceness, but he needed me right now.

"You were having a nightmare, so I woke you up." I explained gently. He nodded before forcing himself away from me. I could tell he didn't want to because his hands were shaking and he was still breathing heavily. "Do...do you want to talk about it?" I tried.

"Of course not. It was only a dream." He acted brave, but I could tell he just didn't want to seem weak in front of me. He was probably expecting me to punch him at any moment, to be honest.

"Ok." I replied, not wanting to push him. He wasn't used to me comforting him, so I just sat with him while he calmed down. He kept glancing at me like he was just waiting for me to say something, but I never did.

"Hey Luke," Jai said out of nowhere, "Do you think that anyone would miss me if I were to disappear?" His question would have sent chills down my spine even if I didn't know what he was planning.

"Jai look at me." I ordered. "I know I might not act like it all of the time, but I do love you. Never think otherwise."

"Ok." He replied, but I could tell he wasn't completely sure whether or not he should believe me. It was my own fault, but I was lucky he was vulnerable like this now. Any other time, I'd be harassing him. We've never exactly been this close before, except for a few very rare moments. After several minutes I heard him whisper back, "I love you too, Luke."  
-  
Later that night, I was passing by Jai's door when I heard talking. I cracked the door open a bit without him noticing and was surprised to find him filming one of his video diaries. I decided to listen, so I didn't have to chance stealing his laptop later.

"Hey video diary, it's Jai again. Today was not a very good day. I fell asleep and had a nightmare about.....let's just say it wasn't good. It made me wonder if it would be better to do it before December 2nd."

I frowned. That would not be good at all.

"Surprisingly, Luke woke me up. I honestly thought he hated me."

'I could never hate you, Jai.' I thought to myself.

"He actually didn't insult me for once. The whole time we were sitting together I was just waiting for him to say something to me. He never did. Then, the unexpected happened. Luke told me he loved me. I always thought he hated me, to be honest. It's always been obvious he loves Beau and Mum and Daniel, but he's always treated me like his personal punching bag."

I put my head in my hands at this. I never expected it to be this bad. I just wanted to run in Jai's room and hug him, but I knew I couldn't. I had made it to where I couldn't.

"For years I've lied to myself, and even told myself I hated him. I accidentally whispered 'I love you, too' to him, but I don't think he heard me. He would have really given it to me if he had. I don't think I could ever truly hate him, but I really really hope that this wasn't a joke. I don't think I could handle it if that was just a joke."

It's not a joke.

"Anyways, thanks for listening video diary. Bye for now, Jai."

I nudged his door shut again before he could notice it was open. I made it back to my own room and closed the door behind me. I slid down and buried my face into my knees, letting my tears flow out.

Jai couldn't even believe that I was honestly concerned about him. He thought it was some sort of sick joke, but I don't think even I'm that cruel. But, what really got to me was that he lies to himself about hating me just so he doesn't get hurt anymore than I've already hurt him. It's twisted and messed up, but it's my own fault.


	3. Chapter 3

I found out that Jai has a pattern at night. Immediately after dinner he'll go in his room and make a video diary, then he'll come back out and act like he wasn't even gone. I've secretly been listening to each one Jai's made, and it's safe to say that some are darker than others. I think those are his bad days. The days when he wants December 2nd to arrive more than anything.

On those days, my heart ends up breaking more than ever. It takes everything in me not to run in his room and hug him tighter than I ever have before. But, I know I can't. At least not yet. I have to start being Jai's friend again. Plus, there's the fact that I never really hug him to begin with.

"Hey Jai-Jai!" I greeted my twin as I joined him on the couch.

"Hey Luke?" He looked very skeptical and I couldn't really blame him. I was never this nice to him.

"So, I was wondering if just the two of us could hang out tonight. We haven't exactly hung out together in years and I just thought that maybe we should." I explained. He simply gave me a fear-filled look and started playing with his sleeve.

"I don't know, Luke." Jai started. "This is probably a joke and I'm not exactly in the mood for it today."

"It's not a joke. I'll even let you punch me if I happen to mess this up." I reasoned with him. He still looked unsure about it all. "Please Jai!"

"Okay." He finally gave in.  
-  
We were currently in my room since Jai's is so messy. I had let Jai pick some movie I wasn't even paying attention to and couldn't bother to remember the name of. He was still a little reluctant, but he was slowly starting to relax and enjoy himself. I noticed he kept glancing at me every few minutes, but I decided to ignore it. He was obviously waiting for me to harass him in some way, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to. He was just so easy to tease!

"Luke?" Jai asked, lowering the volume of the movie and effectively snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?" I was so lost in thought that he had surprised me.

"You don't really want me here, do you?" He asked, looking down. It took me a moment to register what he was saying, but he took my silence as a yes and started to leave. 

"Wait!" I called. I shot my hand out to try to stop him. I ended up accidentally grabbing his wrist and it caused him to flinch. I hadn't even grabbed him that hard. In fact, I think I've punched him harder than that without him even batting an eye. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to grab you that hard."

"You didn't grab me hard at all." Jai avoided making eye contact and started playing with his sleeve again. That's when I realized I had probably grabbed his fresh cuts. I bit my tongue. I wanted to say something, but I knew that he wouldn't only react badly. We still weren't on the best of terms.

"Ok." I said instead. "Just stay. I just have a lot on my mind right now. I really did want to spend more time with you, though."

"I don't understand." Jai interrupted the silence a few minutes later. "If you're planning something just do it already. Nice Luke is scarier than Angry Luke."

"Do I actually scare you?" I asked mortified. I never wanted to make my younger twin afraid of me. That's the last thing I wanted to happen. To me it had always been harmless fun. Until it wasn't.

"Honestly, yes." Jai replied hesitantly. "You're just always so mean to me, and I don't know what I even did to make you hate me so much. I just don't like you being so nice because it makes me anxious. At least when you're angry, I know when it's coming."

"I don't hate you, Jai." I whispered to him. "I really don't. I don't want you to be afraid of me either. We're twins, so you do not need to be scared. And you could probably beat me up if we're being truthful."

"I would never hurt you, Luke."

"I wish I could say the same."

-  
"Hey video diary, it's Jai again." I overheard my twin start his video.

"Today, Luke actually wanted to hang out with me for once. Scary? I know. Anyway, I still half-expect that it was all a joke. Luke's been acting extremely weird lately. He seems almost like he actually cares about me, but I know there's no way that could be possible. Am I crazy for wanting it to be true?"

"IT IS TRUE!" Was all I wanted to scream, but I kept silent. I couldn't risk him finding me eavesdropping.

"Luke almost found my scars today. He had grabbed my wrist to stop me from leaving and accidentally grabbed where all the cuts I made this morning were. I know it wasn't on purpose because he doesn't know I cut. He actually was really gentle when he grabbed my arm, to be honest."

'That's a first...' I mentally whispered to myself.

"That's a first. He was actually being so nice that I wanted to tell him everything, but I knew I couldn't. He would probably laugh in my face. Either that or he would be disgusted. I mean who would want a suicidal, self-harming identical twin brother with a possible eating disorder."

'I would!" I thought to myself. Although, my ears perked up at the 'possible eating disorder' part. I hadn't even thought of the possibility of Jai not eating. I really hoped I could gain his trust soon. My brother needed help and a lot of it, too.

"Lately, I've been getting nauseous by the smell of food. I just pretty much never want to eat. I think it might be a side-effect of being so depressed. If I'm not careful I can go a few days without eating, just because I forget about it."

I'm definitely keeping a better eye on his eating-habits from now on.

"December 2nd." Here Jai broke down crying. "It just needs to be December 2nd already. I'm so sick of living this way. Thanks for listening."

I silently crept back to my room. I think I made slight progress today, but I guess only time will tell.


	4. Chapter 4

I decided to start keeping a better eye on Jai. As far as I know he's been cutting a lot lately and he hasn't been eating like he should. At least, that's what I've overheard him saying in his video diaries. I feel bad that I can't let him know that I know about everything, but I'm afraid he would do something irrational if he knew. Something I don't want him doing.

I walked downstairs to grab some breakfast, but I stopped short when I saw the sight in front of me. Jai was staring at a plate of untouched eggs at the kitchen table, looking more depressed than ever. He was just holding a fork above them, not moving. His eyes held a pain-filled look that broke my heart. It just made my heart break even more about what I've done to him.

"Not hungry?" I ask before I can stop myself. Jai jumped in his seat out of surprise and dropped his fork in the process. He stared up at me with wide eyes, clearly startled by the sudden question.

"Umm. Not really. No." Jai answered after a moment. Immediately after he answered, a large growl erupted from his stomach. I raised my eyes at my twin, causing him to blush in return. 

"You sure about that?" I smiled, taking a seat at the table next to him. I picked up the fork and took a small bite of the eggs for myself. "They taste great. I'm sure they'll fix your appetite."

"Yeah," Jai sighed. "I just...don't really feel like eating that much today." He laid his head down on the table and stared up at me hopefully. Hopeful for what? I didn't know. Maybe he was hoping I would drop the subject, but I couldn't miss this chance. Not when he was so vulnerable that he wasn't even questioning my motives.

"Are...are you okay, Jai?" I asked. He shrugged his shoulder and shut his eyes, blocking me out completely. I had already lost him, instead of gaining the ground I needed.

"I'm fine, Luke. Or do you want it to be the opposite?" He chuckled darkly. "You found me at my lowest, so now you want to ruin me more than you already have. Sounds like you." I was surprised. Even with everything I've ever done to him, he's never openly referenced how much I've hurt him. What's more is he admitted that he was at his lowest.

"Jai, that's not it." I whispered, but I had no one to blame but myself. "I'm sorry for everything."

"No! Just stop!" Jai screamed, standing up from his seat and running out of the room. He was quickly caught by a confused Beau. He turned Jai around and it was then I saw the tears rushing down his face.

"Hey, now! What happened?" Beau asked Jai worriedly. Jai didn't answer. He just let out a loud sob and hugged Beau, burying his face in his shoulder. Beau made eye contact with me, but I could only stare at the scene in front of me. Jai was trying to get comfort from an older brother, the comfort that I didn't have the right to give him.

"Jai..." His name left my mouth, but he didn't even acknowledge me. This only seemed to worry Beau even more. Neither of us had ever seen Jai break down like this before, so to say it was a scene we weren't used to was an understatement. Then, there was the fact that Jai had stopped hugging Beau a couple years ago out of seemingly nowhere.

"Luke. Do you care to explain?" Beau asked me again. I gulped. Beau had never been aware of all the bullying I had inflicted on Jai. He knew we fought all of the time when we were younger, but he had never known the full extent of it. 

He tried to pull Jai off of him, but Jai wouldn't let go of him. If anything he just held on even tighter. Honestly, it was scaring me and I actually knew what was going on. There was no doubt that Beau was absolutely terrified at what was happening. He had no idea what was going on, and he had no idea that Jai was depressed and suicidal.

"I...I don't.....I didn't...." I couldn't form the words I needed to. I brought my hands up to cover my mouth in shock. I didn't even realize Jai was this bad. Beau simply shook his head at me before leading Jai out of the room. I still don't understand how a simple conversation had to led to that. I thought that his video diaries had been bad enough, but what had just happened was far worse than any of the ones I had witnessed him record.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm really going to be able to save him. He's obviously unstable emotionally, but he won't let me give him the support he needs. It was huge, him clinging to Beau like that. He hasn't clung to him that hard in a long time.

I eventually wondered back upstairs after awhile, desperately needing to talk to my older brother. I figured Jai would have already been calmed down by then, but I was proven wrong when I still heard sniffling coming from inside Beau's room. I decided to do the only thing I've been good at doing lately and eavesdrop.

"Please, Jai. You need to calm down." Beau begged my twin brother.

"I can't calm down, Beau. I can't. I'll never be good enough and you guys are just better off without me!" Jai yelled. There was a resounding slap that echoed throughout the room followed by a long silence. It was obvious that what Jai just said had scared Beau too death. It had even made chills go down my spine.

"I don't know where this is coming from all of the sudden, but I never want to hear you say that stuff about yourself ever again!" Beau was angry and his voice held a deadly tone to it. It wasn't often that my brother got serious, but when he did...

"Beau? Can I come in?" I called, knocking on the door. I heard shuffling come from inside before Beau arrived at his door, opening it. He looked at me hesitantly and then back at what I presumed was Jai.

"I don't think that's such a good idea right now, Luke." Beau sighed. I felt my heart drop. Had Jai told him everything? I heard shuffling from inside and then the sound of footsteps coming towards us.

"It's fine, Beau. Luke and I were just leaving." Jai said in a monotone before grabbing my wrist and dragging me away. To say I was confused was an understatement.

"Jai?" I asked unsure once we reached his room. He simply glanced at me, before ruffling his own hair and dragging us into his room.

"I know this is asking a lot. Especially from you of all people. But, can you just stay in here with me for awhile? I don't care what you do in here...just please?" Jai asked me. I slowly nodded my head, confused at Jai's odd behavior. 

"Let me grab my laptop. I'm behind on editing anyway." I said. Jai smiled at me, but I couldn't help but notice that it didn't reach his eyes. I hurriedly went and retrieved my laptop and when I returned I found Jai absorbed in a drawing he had started in his sketch pad. He made no move to acknowledge my presence in his room, so I made myself comfortable as my confusion skyrocketed.


	5. Chapter 5

I was seriously confused at this point. First, Jai went off on me and broke down crying. Them, suddenly he wanted me to stay in his room with him. Usually, he didn't want me near him out of fear of what I would do.

I glanced up at him in concern only for him to look away. Obviously, he had been looking at me, but I'm not sure why. He busied himself with playing with his fingers, his sketch pad thrown to the side. He was nervous. That was obvious.

I felt a headache coming on as I threw my laptop to the side. I brought my fingers up to my head and slowly started massaging my temples. I was overall frustrated. Frustrated about how much of a monster I was, and the effect it had on Jai. Frustrated that my twin was suicidal and I couldn't do anything to help him.

"Luke..." Jai said my name and I looked up questioningly. "Never mind."

"What is it, Jai?" I sighed. He brought his hand up to his mouth to play with his lip nervously, causing his sleeve to slip down slightly. I noticed the red lines that littered his wrist, but forced myself to look away. "Do you need to tell me anything?"

"I don't know." Jai answered, bringing his arm down and fixing his sleeve. I made eye contact with him, hoping he would just tell me something. "I just...I don't know."

"Jai," I started, moving from my spot on the floor and joining my twin on his bed. "Is there a reason you wanted me to stay in here with you?" 

"I just can't be alone right now." He answered after a minute. "And I tried opening up to Beau, but he ended up slapping me and telling me he didn't want to hear it."

"I'm sure-" I started to say that Beau didn't mean it like that, but he quickly interrupted me.

"I'm sorry!" He exclaimed. "I know you don't like me that much and you probably wish that I had never been born, but you're my last resort. I have no one else and I really need someone right now."

"What are you talking about? I love being your twin!"

"I'm not in the mood for your jokes, Luke! I'm being serious right now." Jai screamed. I was surprised. Why was it so hard for him to believe me?

"That's why I'm not joking." I let out quietly. "I know I've been a huge jerk in the past, but now I'm really regretting that. If I could take it back, I would, but I can't."

"All this time, I've been wondering what I'd ever done to deserve it. I had to have done something." Jai started to cry. I bit my lip, unsure of what to do. I wanted to hug him, but it had been years since I had willingly hugged him off camera. I slowly slipped my arms around his thin frame, careful to not startle him. "What are you doing!?"

"Hugging my twin brother." I mumbled. He looked hesitant at first, but then he melted into it and slowly hugged me back. "I'm sorry, Jai."

"S'okay." He mumbled back. Out of the cornea of my eye, I saw his destroyed arm again. Should I say something? No. He's having a bad enough day. I don't need to make it worse.

Jai eventually fell asleep on my shoulder, so I decided to sit there and get lost in my thoughts. I'm an awful person. Jai's behavior today was proof of that. He was just so broken today, and I didn't know how to deal with that. 

I laid him back on his bed, careful not to wake him. In the process, his sleeve had rolled up again revealing the damage he had inflicted on himself. I sucked in a breathe at the sight. It was horrible to look at. I reached out and gently touched his arm, careful not to wake him. He flinched in his sleep at the touch.

"Jai-Jai, what have you become?" I sighed out. I fell back down next to my twin and fell asleep next to him. What I didn't realize, was that I forgot to roll Jai's sleeve back up.  
-  
"Luke wake up." I was shaken awake by my twin. "You need to go to sleep in your own room." He refused to make eye contact with me as I left the room. I quickly his in the hallway, knowing what he was about to do.

"Hey video diary. It's been awhile, hasn't it?" I heard Jai ask. "I had a complete mental breakdown today. I was just talking to Luke and then, BAM! I think I almost gave Beau a heart attack. I was hugging him like it was the last time I'd ever see him, and who knows, it could be."

I really hope not.

"I haven't clung to him in years. Even Luke was terrified. He even apologized for the way he's treated me all this time. I never expected that, but then again I'm pretty sure he knows I cut."

How did he know I know?! I was being so careful. 

"We fell asleep on my bed today, and when I woke up my sleeve was rolled up. It could've happened in my sleep, but somehow I just know that it was Luke. It might be a twin thing, I don't know."

Stupid twin telepathy.

"But, if he does then why hasn't he said anything? Does he really not care about me destroying my body? I figured he'd at least care about that."

I do care. More than anything, Jai. You have no idea.

"Maybe I'm just not worth it....thanks for listening, video diary."

I didn't want to confront Jai about his self-harm, but at this point I knew that I had to. In some weird way, it seemed like Jai wanted me to confront him about it. He wanted my help now, and I was going to make sure he got it.


	6. Chapter 6

I knew I had to talk to Jai pretty soon. He was mentally deteriorating more and more every day. I listened to his video diaries every night, even though it absolutely killed me to listen. He would say all sorts of nasty stuff about himself or he would talk about how much he wanted to die. I hated the fact the I caused this, but there was nothing I could do but try to help him. That meant I had to let him know I knew about him self-harming. It was not a conversation I was looking forward to.

Jai was actually in a pretty bad mood today. He had woken up a couple hours later than he usually did and looked like he had to physically drag himself out of bed. Jai had actually snapped at Beau first-thing this morning. Beau was only being his normal self. He wasn't trying to annoy Jai or anything, but Jai just went off on him. It was kind of scary to see, knowing that Jai rarely gets angry.

Beau had fortunately decided to just laugh it off. He had tried to hug Jai, probably hoping for a repeat of that day a few weeks ago, but Jai just shoved him away and told him not to touch him. It was kind of ridiculous to tell the truth, but at least I knew it was time to step in and do something about Jai's behavior. He was struggling and he was making it miserable for everyone else in the house as well.

"Jai." I tried getting his attention from where he lay on the couch. He didn't respond so I nudged his leg with my foot until he looked up at me. "C'mon. We're going for a walk. Right now!" 

I knew I would have to be stern with him in order to get him to come with me. It was weird, but even with him in his worst mood I was the only one who could ever get through to him. I hate to think it, but it's probably just conditioning from the years of bullying I put him through. I was pretty terrible to him and there's now excuse in the world for that. 

I didn't need to turn around to know that he was following closely behind me. I got to the door and gestured for him to walk out first. He gave me a questioning look, but I didn't respond to it. I put my hand on his back and guided him to start walking in the direction that I wanted to go. 

"Where are we going, Luke!" Jai snarled, obviously frustrated at not knowing.

"You'll see soon enough." I answered. If he was trying to intimidate me, it didn't work. We were twins, so we could pretty much tell when the other was putting on a show. He was currently trying to act a lot tougher than he actually was.

I continued to lead him until we eventually ended up at the park 10 minutes away from our house. Jai was obviously pretty much confused. We hadn't been here in years. The last time we were here was the first time I started bullying him. I remember dunking his head repeatedly into a little pond that was hidden from most people that didn't know where to look. It was to this exact pond that I was taking him.

"Luke, this is..." Jai trailed off. He had obviously recognized by now where we were going.

"Yes, Jai. Where things started to get bad between us. I know, but right now we have a lot to talk about and I need you to listen to me." I told him. He looked scared and his hands started to shake in fear. I reached down and grabbed one of his hands, squeezing tightly before letting go. I knew he was scared, but I had to do this.

"Luke I want to go home now." Jai begged me while he gazed at the tiny pond. It was funny how small it looked in comparison to how it looked the last time we were here. 

"You know we were only 8 years old when it happened." I breathed. 

"Yeah, Luke. We were." Jai obviously just wanted to leave, but I wouldn't let him.

"I'm sorry about that now."

"What??" Jai's head snapped to look at me in confusion.

"I should have never done that to you. Trying to drown you as a joke, I mean. Or anything else I did to you since then. It was cruel of me and you didn't deserve it. But, I was just a kid. I was a bored kid that didn't know how much he was really hurting his brother."

"You...I don't understand." Jai's hands flew to his head as he crouched down into the grass with a single tear slipping down his face. I crouched down next to him and smiled sadly. I really did regret it.

"Let me explain then. I've never hated you, Jai. Mum and Beau were just so busy all of the time, so I got bored. After that day, I decided that being mean to you would be a good way to entertain myself. I realize now how wrong I was. I never knew how much I hurt you until it was too late, because now I know that I broke you."

"You didn't break me Luke."

"But I did." I admitted, running my fingers through his hair in a comforting way. "I made you feel like you had no one to turn to and I'll never forgive myself for that. Let me tell you something else, Jai."

"What?" Jai whispered.

"Sometimes, you never know you're hurting someone until you see the extent of the damage through their eyes."

"What does that even mean?" Jai asked me. I was referring to his video diaries, but he's in so much pain emotionally that I knew he wouldn't get it.

"It means I know something I wished I knew a lot sooner." I told him instead of just telling him what I knew. I reached down and picked up his right arm. His eyes widened as he realized what I was going to do. 

"No! Don't!" Jai yelled as I forced his sleeve up. This was the second time I had actually seen it in full, but it still took my breathe away like it did the first time. Somehow, it looked like the damage he'd done was 10x worse than the first time. I looked up at his face to see his other hand covering his mouth with tears streaming silently down his face.

"It's ok Jai. I know and I won't let go this time."


	7. Chapter 7

"Luke? Please." Jai cried. I knew this was stressing him out, but it was something I had to confront him about. There was only about three and a half months before his suicide date. Time was wearing down, so I had to do something to stop it.

"No. Jai, I love you so much. I'm sorry that I caused you to start hurting yourself like this." I apologized and dropped his arm. His eyes found a sudden glint in them and the next thing I knew, Jai was holding me down and punching me. I didn't fight back. I deserved this and much more.

"Don't take all of the credit." Jai chuckled darkly. "I know you get some joy from this. I did this to myself and it doesn't have a thing to do with you. You have no right to confront me about this. After all, what did you do to me at this lake when we were 8 years old?"

"I regret drowning you, I swear!" I screamed up at him. He didn't believe me though. He didn't want to. He was in so much pain that he was beyond caring.

"Save it Luke. What do you even want from me?" I felt his fat tears start to drip onto my face and I took that chance to roll us over to where I was sitting on top of him instead.

"I want my baby brother to be happy and to love himself!" I whispered down to him. I knew shouting right now would not help anyone. "I don't want him self-harming, though. If I woke up to find him gone, I'd probably follow him." Jai's eyes widened at my words and I realized then that what I said had finally gotten to him.

"You can't mean that, Luke. Stop messing with me." Jai wouldn't make eye contact with me and I realized he was probably thinking about December 2nd. I rolled off my twin and sat on the ground next to him. He had a glazed over look to his eyes, like he was deep in thought.

"I mean it more than I've ever meant anything before."

"Prove it." Jai sat up and retrieved his phone from his pocket. He popped off his phone case only for a blood-stained razor to fall out of the back. My eyes widened. How bad was he if he had to carry one with him constantly. "What's wrong? Can't do it?"

"I can do it. I'll show you!" I grabbed the razor from his and rolled up my own sleeve. Was I really going to do this? Yes, if it meant saving my twin brother's life. I put the razor down onto my wrist and bit my lip as I started pressing into the skin. It hurt really bad and I hadn't even drawn blood yet. I started trying to press down more, but Jai grabbed the blade from me and put it back in his phone case.

"Sorry, Luke. I had no right to ask you to do that." Tears started to slip down Jai's face again. "You shouldn't have even considered doing something like that for me. I'm only going to let you down."

"You don't have to let me down. You can get better. We can make you an appointment. Get you some help, so you're not this depressed anymore." I suggested.

"What would Beau think? He already thinks I'm worthless."

"I promise you he loves you." I reassured him before pulling him into my side so he could cry into my shoulder.

"What would he think of me trying to make you cut yourself like that?!" Jai squeezed his eyes shut painfully. "I'm so messed up, Luke! Who does something like that?"

"It's okay. You weren't thinking straight." I cooed, trying to comfort him. "Just let's go home and you can think about my suggestion. Okay?"

"Okay." Jai nodded his head, but I could tell that if I were to leave right now than things wouldn't end well for him. He most likely would try to drown himself in that lake. I knew he was slowly killing himself already, but I was now 100x closer to stopping him. 

As we walked home, I became increasingly worried about Jai. Something about him was off. More so than usual. I made a mental note to keep an eye on him tonight.

When we did get home, Beau was pacing worriedly. Jai immediately ran up to Beau and threw his arms around him. Beau was shocked, but returned the hug without hesitation. His little brother needed him.

"I'm soooo sorry, Beau!" Jai whimpered, "More than you'll ever know."

My head snapped up at his words. They almost sounded like he was saying goodbye. That couldn't be possible. It wasn't December 2nd yet. It was too early for him to do that.

"Come Jai." I grabbed his arm and took him up to my room. "Sleep in here tonight?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Yeah, well maybe I do!" I snapped.


	8. Chapter 8

"Luke. I need to talk to you." 

I was currently playing FIFA with Beau, when Jai came into the room demanding to talk to me. I was about to immediately get up and follow him out of the room, but Beau stopped me.

"No. I'm sick of you two running off and keeping secrets." Beau jumped in. What was he talking about.

"We're twins Beau, that's not going to change anytime soon." Jai laughed. I couldn't respond. Have we really been that secretive lately?

"Are you kidding me? I'm still your older brother and if you two are in trouble I need to know. Luke won't even tell me what happened to his face." Jai's eyes flicked over to my face at this. He immediately dropped his gaze out of what seemed to be guilt.

"I did that." Jai said with as much confidence as he could muster.

"What?" Beau was surprised. This was Jai. The same boy that chose to ignore haters instead of starting arguments with them.

"You heard me." Jai spoke. "We got into a fight and Luke refused to hit me back."

"So, you just kept punching him?" Beau was incredulous and looked like he was about to hit Jai himself. I immediately stepped in front of Jai, ready to take a hit for him if it came down to it. "And now you're protecting him..." 

"I've been bullying him since we were 8 years old. I deserved every punch." I looked Beau in the face as his expression morphed from anger to shock.

"What? You're just being over-dramatic. Jai's fine." Beau sighed. I felt my jaw tighten after hearing him say those words.

"You're right, Beau! Just like you always are." Jai's voice had a happy sound to it, but there were actually tears streaming down his face. "I mean why would there ever be something wrong with Jai?!"

"I'm so confused. Are you on your man-period or something, dude?" Beau asked sarcastically. Jai looked down for a split second. 

"You know what, Beau? I'm going to tell you what me and Luke have been hiding from you." Jai choked out, causing me to give him a questioning look.

"Here I'll even show you!" Jai was hysterical, I realized, he wasn't thinking straight and was probably going to do some thing he regretted later. I was right about that, because the next thing I know Jai has lifted up his sleeve and shoved his arm into the air to show Beau. "You see that Beau. I did that. I did that because I can't stand to even be alive right now. Who can blame me when I live with two idiots like you!?"

"Jai..." I tried to reason with my twin but it was almost like I wasn't even there  at that point. Beau looked frozen in his seat for a moment before standing up and moving past me to slap Jai. 

"Don't you ever do this again!" Beau screamed in his face. I was paralyzed. I knew that I should step in and do something, but there was nothing I could do.

"Anything else?" Jai asked like the last shred of life had been taken from him.

"That's what I should be asking you?" Beau retorted.

"Luke!" Jai turned to me. "I'm sorry, but December 2nd is coming earlier than expected." Jai ran up to his room after that saying that while I tried to do something to snap myself out of being frozen.

"What's December 2nd?" Beau asked.

"Jai's suicide date." I answered before running after my twin with Beau close behind me. I ran to his door, surprised to find it open. I wandered further into his room until I got to his bathroom. "Jai." I called through the door. I didn't receive a response so I kicked it open.

I was surprised to see Jai sitting in his bathtub, fully clothed, with water up to his ankles. I took a slow step closer to him. He didn't seem to notice me, and truthfully I was kind of scared. There was something majorly wrong with him.

"They're gone." Jai whispered so quietly that I almost didn't hear him.

"What are you talking about, Jai?" I asked.

"He's talking about the two bottles of sleeping pills he had stashed away in here." Beau supplied from the doorway.

"What are you talking about?" I asked Beau only for him to ignore me.

"What?" Jai asked.

"Daniel found those ages ago and we dumped them. I was just waiting for you to say something." 

"Get out." My voice shook with rage at my older brother. He knew that Jai was suicidal, yet he never bothered to let anyone know. Beau surprisingly left without putting up a fight. 

"I know you've been listening to my video diaries, Luke." Jai's voice was eerily quiet. "I'm not mad or anything. I just wish...I don't know what to think anymore."

"Jai do you need me to call someone?" I asked. Jai knew what I was talking about. I was asking if he wanted to see someone for his depression. He shakily nodded his head.

"I don't want to, but I think I have to."  
-

Jai was able to get the help he needed. Apparently, being border-line suicidal is a big enough deal to get you put under a 72-hour watch. I was at the hospital with Jai the entire time and it gave us a chance to talk things out.

I found out that Jai felt alone and abandoned. Like nobody loved him. I was happy to hear that I wasn't really the cause of his suicidal thoughts. At that point, he had grown used to my bullying. It just caused him to get worse.

At first, Jai didn't want to stop cutting, but after much arguing between me and his therapist he agreed to try. A few months later and with the help of his Prozac, Jai was able to stop for good. We're slowly working on trying to mend our relationship, but it's still a work in progress. I just know that I really would have followed him if he had gone through with it.

Apparently, Jai had talked about this during therapy and his therapist recommended I be put on anti-depressants too. I decided to make an appointment with her and she explained to me that sometimes when were hurting so much on the inside, we start to hurt those closest to us. She put me on Prozac too, and honestly I've never been happier. I could feel a hole I never realized I had start to fill up with the happiness and joy I received when I spent time with my friends and family. Most of all, I'm happy that December 2nd never arrived. It never did, so now I have my best friend, brother, and twin back. Honestly, I can't begin to explain how thankful I am for that.

-

"That was a cute video." Jai commented as the video I had just made finished up.

"It's the truth. I couldn't live without you Jai." 

"I know. I'm just happy you never gave up on either of us."

"No problem, what are twins for!" We both smiled and knew immediately that although this experience had changed both of us, it was for the better.

-the end-


End file.
